The Gift of Illness

For over 3 years, as I was struggling with health concerns, I learned that Life is filled with uncomfortable, suffering moments.  Sadly, I never really admitted that before.  I didn’t want it to be true.  I used to escape into higher dissociated thoughts because I did not know why Life had turned so unbearable and unfortunate for me.

I have noticed that there comes this End of Innocence time – perhaps for everyone --where the challenges really begin and “finding yourself” is THE ONLY answer.   When I’m in my deepest pain, I want to be saved----saved by someone or something outside of myself, saved by something that makes me feel like I MATTER – something that feels like LOVE…

Yet in my illness, at its worst moments, when someone I love would try to help or save me, it was of no long-term benefit, and I was not changing over the long run, and I was not staying well!!  In the darkest moments,  my dearest friends and family would go way beyond what a normal human being could be expected to do for another, and I would feel saved (loved) enough to live another day.  Yet pain and illness kept returning because I would not and could not be there for myself when I was hoping someone else would be there for me.  I was yearning for my own self love, and I did not even know it.

I’m learning how to stay in the uncomfortableness of life now as I attempt to embrace the raw, emotional pain by going deeper into it -- opening to it instead of resisting it.  I’m not trying to “fix” it all anymore and definitely not waiting for another person to save me from my pain, though I still have access to a lot of help and love.  It was when I began to rescue myself that I started to find this missing “wholeness” that I had been searching for my whole life.  It’s ongoing.  I have to keep remembering the secret… I have to keep opening to pain, becoming present with myself and showing up.  It’s so much better than the self-abandonment that I was accustomed to.  Once I embraced the pain, everything changed.  I accepted my role as savior of myself, and my new life began.