For over 3 years, as I was struggling with health concerns, I learned that Life is filled with uncomfortable, suffering moments. Sadly, I never really admitted that before. I didn’t want it to be true. I used to escape into higher dissociated thoughts because I did not know why Life had turned so unbearable and unfortunate for me.
I have noticed that there comes this End of Innocence time – perhaps for everyone --where the challenges really begin and “finding yourself” is THE ONLY answer. When I’m in my deepest pain, I want to be saved----saved by someone or something outside of myself, saved by something that makes me feel like I MATTER – something that feels like LOVE…
Yet in my illness, at its worst moments, when someone I love would try to help or save me, it was of no long-term benefit, and I was not changing over the long run, and I was not staying well!! In the darkest moments, my dearest friends and family would go way beyond what a normal human being could be expected to do for another, and I would feel saved (loved) enough to live another day. Yet pain and illness kept returning because I would not and could not be there for myself when I was hoping someone else would be there for me. I was yearning for my own self love, and I did not even know it.
I’m learning how to stay in the uncomfortableness of life now as I attempt to embrace the raw, emotional pain by going deeper into it -- opening to it instead of resisting it. I’m not trying to “fix” it all anymore and definitely not waiting for another person to save me from my pain, though I still have access to a lot of help and love. It was when I began to rescue myself that I started to find this missing “wholeness” that I had been searching for my whole life. It’s ongoing. I have to keep remembering the secret… I have to keep opening to pain, becoming present with myself and showing up. It’s so much better than the self-abandonment that I was accustomed to. Once I embraced the pain, everything changed. I accepted my role as savior of myself, and my new life began.